Becoming Who You Are

Picture credit: Accountingunleashed

In the last post, we introduced the idea of the personal bank account.

When we look at our actual bank accounts, we are either “in the black” or “in the red”. When we’re in the black, we have money in our account and don’t owe the bank anything. When we’re in the red, we have minus amounts of money and have to borrow from the bank.

I would also add a term – “in the grey” – which describes that tipping point between black and red. This is the point at which things are shaky: it’s a point of instability.

“In the black”, “in the red” and “in the grey” also apply to other aspects of our lives. If we buy a certain brand of soft drink that we find disgusting, we stop buying it and find an alternative drink. If we hate our job, we quit and find another one. If we don’t like someone’s behaviour over a period of time, the account will slide from black, to grey, then red, before we hang out with them less or stop seeing them altogether.

When we think of our relationships with things, places and people in terms of a bank account, we can more clearly define what we are looking for from a particular relationship: what is important, what is a deal-breaker and what is inconvenient but liveable. We can more accurately measure the quality of our relationships and gauge for ourselves what is and isn’t acceptable.

Let’s do a quick exercise (if you’re pushed for time, you can finish it later)

Take a pen and paper and make two lists: a credit list and a debit list. 

The credit list contains things that add to the amount of credit in the relationship (i.e. ‘Positive’ actions and behaviours), and the debit list contains things that might take away (i.e. ‘Negative’ actions and behaviours).

For example, reciprocity or honesty might be on the credit list, lack of reciprocity or dishonesty might be on the debit list. For now, try and fit five to ten items on each list.

Rank each item on a scale of 1 to 100, 100 being the highest value, and 1 being the lowest. 

Voila: this is the basis for your relationship account ledger.

I’m not suggesting you should literally make a relationship ledger (unless that’s your kind of thing), but it’s useful to be aware of what is important to us in our dealings with others: what we need, what we won’t accept and what’s so-so. Being conscious of our ledger, carrying it around with us in our heads, will help us make decisions in our relationships that are focused on our values and needs.

In the next post, we’ll look at patterns in the ledger, and how we can use these to gauge our own actions.

I’m interested, if you want to share: what’s on your ledger?

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For greater clarity about your relationship with yourself and others, check out the 12 Weeks to Self-Knowledge sentence completion course. This program provides a daily practice that will help you evaluate your relationships, self-acceptance and become who you are. Find out more here.

Related posts:

1. The Bank of You Part 3: Credit Check
2. The Bank of You
3. 5 Mindhacks for Overcoming Procrastination: Part 2